no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
