I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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