Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
