I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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