in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
