i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
