You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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