Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
