Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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