I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
whose parrot is this?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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