Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
