**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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