I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
