Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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