Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
