I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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