Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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