Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
