i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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