I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
