I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
