I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
