i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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