Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
