she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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