dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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