Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
