dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
