I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
