I CAN MOONWALK!
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
