I wish my penis had an off switch
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
