did you get engaged???
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
