Moan for me like Helen Keller
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
