i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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