I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want to make out with him forever
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
