I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
