I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
