Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
