We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
