im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
