her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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