Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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