I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
