Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
