I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How many fucks given?
0.12846
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
