Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
