What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
