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Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
