she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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