but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
