I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
