Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
