so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
